“The proper posture will always be humility…”  This morning I had breakfast with a friend and he reminded me of this reality; that no matter what we are going though and dealing with, the proper posture before God and our brothers and sisters is ALWAYS humility.

I don’t have a problem with that theologically.  In fact, I see it in the very nature and character of Christ who is the Gospel upon which my faith is built.  But I do seem to fall short of this reality in my behavior.  When I am faced with difficult situations, fear or insecurity sets in and I either try to control the situation (I can deal with this myself) or avoid it (this will cause me pain and I must remove it from my life).  Neither of these approaches reflects a posture of humility.

Conflict within community may have a number of causes but I think that the root of many of them—if not all—may reflect a great deal about our posture in regards to humility.  Often the source of conflict is in inaccurate assumptions we hold about one another.  This often leads us to assume the worst of one another.  Often our discernment in accurately processing a perceived hurt becomes misguided and we judge a person’s intentions (assume the worst about who they are) rather than name a specific error of action or behavior that caused us hurt (which is less about the character of a person and more about how you were hurt or caused to experience loss by what you perceived he or she did to you).

In a world where efficiency in communication becomes a value, this tendency toward inaccurate assumptions that we make about one another becomes even more problematic.  I recently read

Assumption is the lowest form of communication…

Followed closely by e-mail

Though this is somewhat funny, most of us can identify with both sending and receiving emails that were misunderstood.  And the assumptions and likely, the interpersonal conflicts they caused, are not a laughable matter.

In Luke 2:41-52, we read about Mary, Joseph and Jesus going to the feast of the Passover in Jerusalem.  Once it is concluded, Mary and Joseph begin the journey home assuming Jesus is right there with them-perhaps walking with some friends or relatives.  He was, however, talking with the teachers in the temple.  It took them five days to find out he was missing and finally to find him.  That is nearly a week!  From a parent’s perspective, that would be traumatic.  I can only imagine what Mary and Joseph were feeling.  Scared for their son, scared about what others might say about them as parents, scared that they may have to face a future without Jesus and the guilt that would be associated with that kind of loss.

It is Marry who gives voice to the trauma they experienced when she uncharacteristically accuses Jesus.  “Son, why have you treated us like this?  Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”  What did Jesus do wrong?  The one with the problem was Mary.  She made an assumption that he had been with them.  When she found her assumption to be wrong, she tried to place the guilt on Jesus.

Making assumptions requires a lot less of us than checking out the facts.  In community, we often make assumptions about one another because it is more expedient than talking, clarifying, and searching for understanding.  And in the case of Mary and Jesus, she tried to shift the burden onto Jesus to make him responsible for her mistaken assumption.

The temptation for us is to be like Mary.  We make an assumption about another person and then when that assumption proves false and it puts us in a bad light, we go on the offensive (which is usually responded to by defensiveness and the cycle continues). Many of the conflicts within our community (and many interpersonal conflicts we face in other arenas) develop out of our wanting to make other people responsible for our mistakes—mistakes like inaccurate assumptions.

Our pride often keeps us from admitting that we were wrong.  At least mine does.  I recently read an article where the author writes, “At the root of all conflict is an abundance of pride and a lack of humility.”

Jesus responded to Mary’s dysfunctional way of relating to him by asking, “Why were you searching for me?  Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?”  A typical 12-year old boy might have said it with a tone of sarcasm and been defensive.  But I doubt that was how Jesus was responding (that would have probably been an incorrect assumption).  Taking what we know about Jesus and applying it to this context, his words take on a kind, compassionate tone. He knew that Mary made a mistake but couldn’t bring herself to admit it. He knew that she must have been terribly worried about not knowing where he was.  He defused the potential conflict with his kindness, compassion, and grace—a perfect model for dealing with interpersonal conflict, an example for responding to the people who criticize us.  The model works even when those doing the criticizing are the people closest to us like our family and our community members.  Jesus could have responded with his own accusations and his own assumptions about Mary’s character.  After all, they left their pre-teen alone for five days in the big city.  But he didn’t respond that way.  It seems that he first saw Mary’s fear, and then her inability to see the truth because of it. So he extended her grace.

It didn’t seem like Jesus’ words were understood by his parents (vs. 50). But we can see that the conflict was resolved through his kindness, his gentleness, and his patience with her—that’s what she “treasured” in her heart. Not necessarily the content of his words, but the heart behind them.

The proper posture will always be humility.  This means that when we perceive that we have been wronged, we cannot wait for the other to respond with an apology.  We have to choose to be the first to offer grace, understanding, forgiveness and mercy.  When tempted to assume and draw conclusions, it means we always seek to clarify and search for understanding (using our attentive listening and awareness talking skills).  And when we are faced with criticism or an inaccurate assumption, rather than reacting with a defensive posture, humility means looking past the hurt we feel to see the fear or anxiety our brother or sister is experiencing and responding to that with the same grace, kindness, and compassion as Jesus did.